


Mesh

by randers1



Category: Chicago PD (TV), Upstead - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Upstead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:35:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27191155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/randers1/pseuds/randers1
Summary: Hailey's in New York, Jay's in Chicago. They text and talk on the phone. It's hard enough communicating in that way when Hailey's communication suddenly goes dark, Jay's worry and agitation spike as he realizes his feelings and his thoughts turn toward when his feelings for his partner became these.. (not quite as dramatic as it sounds--just the first chapter lol)
Relationships: Jay Halstead & Hailey Upton, Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton
Comments: 23
Kudos: 130





	1. Chapter 1

The alarm shrilled from beside his bed and Jay rolled over to turn it off. He didn’t need it, had been up for well over an hour, just hadn’t yet found the motivation to get out of bed. It had been another fitful night of sleep and another unsettling dream of walking in to work, the back of a blonde woman sitting at the desk in front of his. It wasn’t the first time; Sometimes he got to the desk only for her to simply be gone and his dream-self wondered if she’d really been there at all, or he’d get to her with something he couldn’t really name but such a good feeling bubbling up in his chest and a smile growing on his face, only to see that from the front, it was a stranger, someone who didn’t understand why he was so upset she was sitting in that seat. He’d wake confused, disappointed, and with a deep ache in his chest that would persist throughout the day.

He couldn’t stop the dreams but would combat them by doing what he knew--going all in at work and allowing his brain to be filled with the details and images of the cases they worked. He’d never been what some called ‘easy-going’ but as the days grew that he was without his familiar partner, social conversations with him pretty much halted and questions were answered with either terse responses or a verbal essay on where he was with a case. In general, the consensus was that while Detective Jay Halstead was kicking ass on the job, friend and team-member Jay Halstead sucked to be around. They all got it, understood the why, but it didn’t make him any easier to be with. They were all there if needed but gave him a wide berth.

All but Voight who seemed to ride Jay at every turn. The team suspected that he was simply keeping Halstead busy but Jay only saw it as personal. At the beginning anyway. He’d gone to Voight after Hailey’s desk officially sat empty that first day, and demanded answers but gotten none. Voight had tapped his pen against the desk and reminded Jay that they both had eyes, and they’d seen the same things. Difference was Voight was in a position to act rather than stand by and watch the other detective crash and burn. Jay took personal time for the rest of the day, certain that if he stayed he’d be out of a job by the end of shift.

He shifted his weight and leaned back against the headboard, grabbing for and checking his phone. Last night’s dream had been a new variation. In it, his phone was ringing but he couldn’t find it. He was all around the city running, searching, hearing the ring, the voicemail notifications, the incoming texts, but he couldn’t lay hands on the device. In it he’d needed to find it, to answer and hear the voice safe on the other end. He ran wild, jumped obstacles, and skidded around corners. The phone was loud but invisible, and the more he ran, the more he felt like he was choking on something that had built up in his chest. He’d woken up in a sweat, breathing hard and heavy, feeling a solid weight on his body. It had taken the better part of an hour for him to relax, but he hadn’t let go of his phone since.

He tracked what he could remember from the dream, didn’t need to piece it together to know it had to do with Hailey. The first day she was gone had been okay, it was as though she was in court. But knowing he didn’t have the option to see her that night had been…..uncomfortable, left him unsettled. He had a hard time trying to figure out just why it bothered him so much. He filled hours going around and around his thoughts before landing on the fact that he missed her. The realization wasn't earth shattering but he was surprised at how he seemed to take comfort in it. Of course he missed her, she was his partner. But no. No, that wasn’t it, that was only the surface.

The next night was spent watching the Blackhawks game and it hit him while he drained his 4th beer; He didn’t miss his partner, he missed _her_. The thought had taken his breath, and he’d had to sit back against the couch cushions to digest the thoughts and feelings, the memories, images of her, her smile, her mannerisms, her voice, that now clamored for attention. He stayed up late that night, turning thoughts over in his mind as he tried to dissect where these feelings had come from, when they had arrived, and how they had crept in so silently. It wouldn’t be the last time he’d do it but so far he hadn’t come up with any real answers. And Jay liked answers.

An arm now bent behind his head, he shifted more comfortably in to the pillows and allowed his thoughts to roam in relation to his dream. He’d grown close to his partner. They’d shifted from simply two people paired up to work together, to partners, to friends, to good friends. At this point he considered her his best friend, which to him was odd since he’d never had a female best friend. For a long time women were colleagues, lovers, acquaintances, but few were friends let alone one he would trust with his secrets, his hurt, his laughter, his life. He couldn’t pinpoint a specific event that changed his feelings, but by now had catalogued the flash of surprise when he’d found out Hailey was seeing Ruzek, the disquiet he’d felt when he it hadn’t immediately fizzled out, the odd loosening in his chest when he heard it had ended. Her words to him about trust and following him blindly had landed like an explosion; It had so taken him by surprise that it took the night to process it, to take in and hold on to the fact that she’d been completely earnest, no bullshit in her voice, her intent, or her eyes. She was all in with him, trust, belief, and support. He wasn’t sure he’d ever had that before and as nice as it was it was also terrifying.

More words, more actions, more looks had accumulated over time and he hadn’t realized his reliance on having her near until she’d been sent to New York. He started out skittish, uncertain how to keep his routine when he realized how much she’d become a part of it; Coffees in the morning, working without words, hard cases made more bearable knowing they could talk it out later or just be, drinks at his place, her place, Molly’s or at the Skylark, with the group or on their own, there wasn’t a part of his day that didn’t include her, or plans with her, both on the job and off. She’d met him at his near lowest, had taken a leap of faith that he was worth holding on to and fighting for, and even when he’d tried to push her away she’d simply stood steadfast. As time went on he realized she wasn’t going anywhere and somewhere down the line he realized he didn’t want her to. It took a while but he trusted her with bits and pieces of his life before and outside of the 21st District. She’d been slower to reciprocate but the times she did he knew he was one of a very select few to get them. He didn’t know when it had happened but she’d become more than important to him. He could be alone, do his thing, drink with the guys, relax on his couch, work out-- but she was pretty much always there, on the fringe of his thoughts. They didn’t date, just got drinks. No dinners, no movies, just talked in depth, learned each other from the bottom up. Invested in each other. Yet they only worked together. And now that she was in New York they didn’t even do that.

He grimaced as he sat up and rubbed at his face. His phone still hadn’t gone off—no new texts, no new phone calls. As far as he knew, the city of New York had disappeared and taken Hailey with it. It had been nearly a week without her voice, her words on his screen. Will brought it up over beers the night before. “Sooo … still no word?” He hid behind the lip of his beer bottle.

The question earned him a pointed look but no response. If Jay had heard anything about Hailey’s return he wouldn’t have kept the news to himself.

“Hank doesn’t have _any_ information?” he pressed. Will found it hard to believe that Hailey had just suddenly ceased all communication with his brother, her partner. All texting, initiated and replied, had stopped without explanation. The ‘delivered’ status was evident but nothing was ‘read’ let alone responded to. No one at the task force answered Jay’s few questions with anything other than a “Detective Upton is currently unavailable, but we’ll give her your message, sir,” or a forward on to her generic voicemail—the one that wasn’t even personalized by her voice.

Jay could barely tolerate the thoughts that drove him crazy throughout the day over her absence, her lack of communication, let alone another conversation with his brother about it. He slid from his stool, leaving his half-drunk beer on the bar, and reached for his wallet.

“Nah, I got it.” Will couldn’t do anything to help him or the situation but he could pick up Jay’s small tab. Jay nodded a thanks and made his way out to the truck.

He sat in the rig, looking at his phone, willing it to light up, for her name to pop up on the screen; the one that had gone from Hailey Upton, to Upton, to Hailey. A reminder of how their friendship had progressed from purely professional to whatever it was now. He had no desire to go home. His brain went back to her face, conjured up her eyes, her smile, the turn of her nose; He heaved another sigh as he wondered just where the hell she was, what the hell she was doing. And not at all who she was doing it with. His stomach twisted as he didn’t think it. He didn’t know how or why but he knew that dating anyone was off the table for her. In her absence he’d given legs to the idea that she’d been waiting for him. That she realized she enjoyed spending her time with him, and he wondered if she had had that realization (God, he hoped she had or he was shit out of luck)and if it had been as recent as his.

He shook his head and switched gears. Wherever she was, whatever she was doing she was fine, she was okay, and she was whole. Whatever information Voight was holding tight to, he knew that if something had happened, he wouldn’t keep that to himself. So he tried to stay busy, live his life, not fall apart. At that thought, her teasing words whispered in his ear. “Don’t fall apart on me. Be here when I get back.”

She’d come to him before she left. Told him with her words that Voight had tasked her out, told him without words that she was being reprimanded, that this was a response to her recent behavior. She didn’t agree with it but she had no choice but to accept it. He’d figured it out fast and easily.

Jay sighed and said her name softly. They’d looked at each other the way they did and he felt a charge in the air around them, was about to put a hand out to her but she beat him to it, and her hand found his bicep. “I’m good, Jay. I’ll be fine.”

He knew she would be, but at the same time he didn’t believe her. She wasn’t good in that moment, it was just easier to say. He knew it but hadn’t called her on it. He wished now that he had, that even though it may have been the wrong time, that they’d talked about what she’d done, the why, what she’d been looking for and if she’d found it. He wished he’d known if he could have helped her, would have reminded her that he was solid and there. That he wanted to be there for whatever she needed. But he didn’t. He only looked at her face, in her eyes, tried to wrap his brain around the fact that she was about to be gone. She tried to lighten the moment. “Don’t fall apart on me. Be here when I get back.” It hadn’t worked, not like anything would have.

He froze when her hand dragged to his chest and stopped over his heart. “I’m coming back,” she reminded him softly.

“I’ll be here,” he’d managed to get out.

She held his gaze a few more seconds before biting her lip as her head dipped down. He’d seen her slight nod as though talking to herself before she made for the door. She’d turned back to look at him and before she could say anything else, he said her name, rolling it purposely around his tongue. It had been so satisfying in that moment. Saying her name in that way, watching her eyes and her face and her hair, and her chest rising up and down faster than it had been even seconds ago. But he was him, and his feelings were still hiding so his hands found the front pockets of his jeans. “Take care of yourself.”

Her half smile was immediate and she nodded at him once before leaving. They’d talked and texted but now it had been a solid week since he’d heard anything from her. It wasn’t right, not at all. And there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. His head rested back against the seat as he groaned out a sigh. After a moment, he half rolled his eyes at himself, told himself to get his shit together, that Hailey was fine, she was just busy. The same BS he’d been telling himself multiple times a day. He put the key in the ignition and pulled out of the parking lot.

When he pulled in to the district the next morning, coffee in hand, he was prepared to start the day finishing transcriptions from a recent stakeout. He was extremely early, the current shift hadn’t ended yet and he had time before those on his started reporting in. He took the stairs, already mentally running through the various reports and forms that lay ahead of him. He almost hoped they didn’t catch a case today just so he could finally say he was all caught up on paperwork. That was what he was prepared for.

What he wasn’t prepared for was the flash of a long blonde ponytail moving through the break room, the deep red of a sweater housed on the small frame of a woman. He caught it from the corner of his eye, the color, the gentle swish of hair as her body turned. He tried to make sense of it, wondered if he was dreaming, and tentatively made his way toward the break room, waiting for the vision to disappear, not willing to get his hopes up. As he crossed the threshold, he took in the solid sight before him. She held a coffee cup to her chest as she stood still, looking out the window watching the colors of the sky mix as the sun began to rise. He saw her shoulders move with the deep, slow breaths she took.

“Hailey?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hailey's perspective on her first day back from Chicago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huge thank you to Puckluck28 for being my very first ever beta!

Hailey’s flight had gotten in on time; on time at a very late hour. Or maybe it was very early depending on how you looked at it. Hailey didn’t care. She was just grateful to be back in Chicago. New York had been fine, the work she’d done thorough, and the lessons she was supposed to learn she supposed she’d learned. Ease of application would be a different matter entirely, but that would have to wait to be addressed. Yeah, New York had been a success story—up until this last week. Then it had turned in to a living nightmare, and no matter what she did since, she couldn’t shake the lingering feelings.

She took a car service home and only stayed long enough to shove her luggage in the corner of the foyer, look around at the deep shadows covering the things that should be so familiar, and grab her car keys from the basket by the door. 

Even after nearly 5 weeks away and bleary-eyed with the hour she could drive to Jay’s on autopilot. The streets were empty at this time of night-morning and she found herself sitting in her car outside of his apartment, phone in hand. She’d just gotten it back before leaving New York, right after her last debrief and just before handing back her temporary ID card and closed files. The number of missed calls and received texts that displayed on her screen were high enough to make her not want to go through them right away.

She sat in there for 40 minutes, debating to go in or stay put. She knew if she went in, that Jay would answer the door, sleepy, and rumpled, and happy to see her. It took 40 minutes for her to finally decide that it was just too early—too early for her to take in his happiness, too early to wake him, too early for her to talk.

She put the car in reverse and moved on to the next best place.

The 21st District. 

Her face was still familiar enough to the desk sergeant on duty to not be stopped, and she only had to hold her breath for a second before her code was accepted and she buzzed herself through the gate to Intelligence.

It closed hard behind her and she stopped to look up the stairs. She knew what was up there—the bullpen, her desk, Jay’s and Kim’s, and Adam and Kevin’s. Voight’s office. Her lips twisted just a bit as she mentally moved on from that one and continued on-- the break room, the locker room, the interview rooms… Her home away from home.

Hailey took the stairs slowly and crested the top, seeing exactly what she knew she would. Nothing had changed, nothing was different. She wasn’t sure if she could say the same about herself, at least not in the way that she knew Voight had hoped. She took another look around the space and hoped she still fit in.

She turned on the lights and made the first pot of coffee for the day. As it filled she lay on the couch, an arm bent behind her head and the other rested over her eyes. She fell asleep to the gurgling sounds of the coffee brewing. 

She woke to the smell of burnt coffee and squeezed her eyes tight against the discomfort she felt at having slept on the uncomfortable couch. Making herself blink awake she saw the break room in near natural light. The sun was just coming up and shadows were starting to grow around the room.

After a deep stretch she made her way to the coffee machine, smiling a bit to see her familiar mug hanging against the wall in its rightful spot. She took it down and turned it over in her hands, imagining the many cups of coffee it had held, the many she drank during late nights, early mornings, at her desk working across from her partner and the more recent more personal ones that they drank together in here at the small table. Sometimes talking, sometimes not.

Another small smile as she poured the coffee. It was gone as soon as she sipped it. Maybe someday the department would invest in a decent coffee machine. Regardless, it was all she had and it was in her mug as she stood in the Intelligence break room at the 21st in Chicago. Regardless of how bad it tasted, it was the best cup of coffee she’d had in a month. 

Her hands wrapped around the warmth of the ceramic and she moved toward the window to stand in the light of the rising sun. She was lost in thoughts and memories, and didn’t hear the footsteps behind her. She did however, hear Jay’s voice say her name.

“Hailey?”

She turned to him, not saying anything. She felt something inside of her crack a bit as she saw him literally standing in the same room with her. She really was back. With him. 

It seemed like minutes before she found her voice, and even then she could only get out a “Hey.”

They looked at each other, neither one speaking and each taking the other in, seeing their form in person again versus their facetime image or voice over the phone. 

Jay seemed frozen in his place and Hailey found the will to move her feet first. Her smile was shy as she got closer to him, had moved her coffee to one hand so she could reach out to him with the over. This time though, they both heard the footsteps coming up from the back hallway. 

Hank.

He threw a fast look in to the break room as he came upon it and kept what he had to say simple. “Morning, Jay. Go home, Hailey.”

She quickly looked from Voight’s moving figure to Jay and back to Voight again. She put her cup down on the table as she walked out to the bullpen. “Sarge—“

He stopped moving and balanced on the balls of his feet. Hank pulled a hand from his jeans pocket to wave her off. “I spoke to the SAC in New York and we are not having this conversation. Go home.” He started moving again and was nearing the entry to his office. 

Jay followed Hailey a few steps as she followed their boss but stopped just outside of the break room to take in what was going on. Except taking it in wasn’t giving him any answers.

“I can work,” she rounded a desk, countering as she tried to catch up to her boss.

He’d just hung up his jacket and come back out of his office, nearly meeting her face to face. Hank’s voice was low and serious, and his finger pointed at Hailey as he spoke. “You’re not in till I say you’re in. And to say that, I’m pretty sure you know what you need to do.”

Hank noticed Jay standing to the side, saw his look of confusion as to what was going on. He grimaced slightly, turning back to Hailey who had taken a deep breath and hardened her features. “Get it done, Hailey. Then we’ll talk.”

He turned without any further word and went back in to his office, closing the door behind him. She was shut out.

Hailey put a hand down on Jay’s desk for leverage and the other to her face, closed her eyes, and exhaled loudly.

Jay spoke from where he stood. “Any chance you’re gonna clue me in?” 

She blew out another breath and rubbed hard at her eyes before gathering herself up to stand tall. She turned to look back at him as he moved toward her. “Jay…” She didn’t have the words or the energy.

“Hailey,” He breathed her name as he got to her, bending a bit to look her in the eye. “What the hell is going on? You go completely dark on me, then reappear this morning when I didn’t even know you were coming back—now this…?” He looked at their boss’ closed door then back to her.

She nodded. “I know,” Hailey took a shaky breath. “It’s a lot, I know. And I promise to explain everything just—“ 

Her exhaustion shone through and Jay saw it clearly. Her normally bright eyes were clouded with something that spoke of heaviness and burden. Dark circles under her eyes peeked through make up she didn’t normally wear. He took a step back and rubbed his face, trying to balance concern, surprise, and the beginnings of frustration. He sat heavily in his chair. 

She turned and placed both palms on his desk and hunched over. “I’m not keeping you out,” her voice was soft and serious. “Can we talk later?” 

They both knew she’d been dismissed and if Voight came out while she was still here things would only get worse.

“Sooner,” he countered, raising an eyebrow.

She huffed out a quiet laugh in one breath and stood straight again. She reached over for the jacket she’d earlier thrown on to the seat of her chair and pulled it to her.

“Hey,” He stopped her as she was putting it on, nodding with his chin. “Check your phone. I may have left a few messages.” 

She smirked and he returned it. “Top of my to do list.” She swung her ponytail out from the back of her jacket and made for the stairs.  
She’d almost made it to the first step down. 

“You’re really back, right?”

She froze for a second before nodding over her shoulder. “That’s the plan.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hailey's doing whatever she can to not think about what happened (what happened???) and Jay is there for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to puckluck28 for her beta'ing prowess! None of the characters belong to me (sniff, sniff)

Hailey pulled in to the spot closest to her house but left the engine running and the windshield wipers working. The sky had grayed as she’d driven, and by the time she was halfway home the rain, which had started off lightly, was beating steadily on and all around the car. 

She didn’t want to go in just yet. Going inside her house was the signal that she was fully home--that she could breathe and unpack, and throw in laundry---and sit. It was the last part she had trouble with. She knew that sitting in the quiet without any distractions would lead her to thinking about the past week, to remembering and visualizing, and hearing, and smelling. None of which she wanted to do. 

Instead she used her jacket as a blanket, turned on the radio, reclined her seat a bit, and closed her eyes, focusing only on the heavy drumming of the rain on her roof. 

Jay was trying to get rid of the nervous energy that had coursed through his body since the morning. He had trouble focusing on his reports and couldn’t count how many times he’d been up and down from his desk, getting coffee from the break room, then the truck that parked outside for a while. Spaced in between and after were multiple trips to the supply closet first for pens, then post it notes, new printer ink, staples, then paper clips. He didn’t need the majority of them. 

He was lost inside his own head and hadn’t noticed the annoyed looks from the rest of the team as he consistently distracted them from their own paperwork. They’d come to him earlier, asking quietly if it was true that Hailey had been there, if he’d seen her, why she wasn’t at her desk. He answered truthfully in that yes, she’d been there and yes, he’d seen her but aside from that he knew nothing. He grimaced each time he was reminded of that last fact. 

Adam was heading for his 5th cup of coffee and was surprised to see Kim sitting at the break room table, files piled neatly in stacks before her. He poured and looked over his shoulder at her. “What’re you doing in here?” 

“Way less foot traffic,” she muttered around the pen in her teeth. 

“I hear that.” He took a few steps, looking out the glass window to the bullpen. “Think he’ll make it through the day?” 

“Hell no,” Kim answered immediately, eyes still down in her paperwork. She took the pen from her mouth. “Kev’s got 20 he’ll be gone by 12. I said 1.” 

“What happened to my invite?” 

Atwater walked in, having overheard the last bit of their conversation and clapped Adam’s shoulder as he passed by. “Come on man, how much money I gotta take from you this week?” 

Kim laughed while Adam shot her a look. 

She put her hands up in self-defense. “Only funny cuz it’s true.” 

Adam scowled as he drank his coffee, prepared to walk back to his desk. Two steps in he saw Halstead stand up and move toward Voight’s office. “This is a good room, right? I don’t spend enough time in here….” There was no way he wanted to hear any shouting that may drift out of their boss’ door, or be distracted yet again by Jay’s ups, downs, and deep sighs. 

It was nearing lunch and they still hadn’t caught a case. Despite the time he’d put in, Jay had barely made a dent in the paperwork he’d planned to catch up on. Pushing back against his desk, he went to talk to his boss. 

“Sarge?” he knocked on the open door. “Got a sec?” 

Voight waved him in, stopping what he was doing to give the detective his full attention. 

“I know you’re not gonna tell me any—“ 

“So don’t ask it,” he nodded once, leaning back in his chair. 

Jay stopped and pursed his lips for a second, biting the inside of his cheeks. He sat down in the chair in front of Voight, and paused. When he spoke again his voice took on a quiet, more personal tone. “She look alright to you?” 

Hank hesitated for just a second then sighed instead. and sat forward. “You getting any work done today?” He gestured out toward the bullpen. 

Jay’s shake of the head was barely noticeable as he spoke. “I just keep seeing her.... Sarge, something wasn’t right.” 

Voight heard Jay. “Go home, Jay.” At his look he affirmed, “Or wherever you think you can get something done.” 

Halstead got it and rose fast. “Thanks, Sarge.” 

Hank grunted a bit and watched him go. He hoped Hailey would talk to Jay about what had happened. Would talk to _someone_. He’d spoken to her SAC and agreed with the recommendation that she not be back on duty until she spoke to someone, showed she was willing to deal with what had happened in New York. 

Jay slowly drove up to Hailey’s place, feeling some weight lessen in his chest to see she was home. The space behind her car was open and he pulled in. The pouring rain blended the images around him together, only becoming clear for the second the windshield wipers pushed the water away before everything blurred again. Her car. Her house. Her. 

He bounded out of the truck and ran for the front door. He knocked and rang the doorbell multiple times but there was no answer. Out of both habit and instinct he took his phone out but immediately remembered the unanswered calls and texts. It was on her to do list, she’d said but he knew it wouldn’t be immediate. She was here. They didn’t need the phone anymore. 

Water was running down his face and he wiped it away, reaching back to another pocket for his keyring. Her spare was on it. Between him standing in the pouring rain and her not answering the door, he figured this was as good of a time for him to use it and let himself in. 

It felt both weird and right to enter her home. Weird because it was dark inside, it had been a while, and she wasn’t with him. Right because he’d been here so many times, helped to open the same door when she was drunk or exhausted, or the one time she’d had the flu so badly that he’d brought her home in the middle of the day from work. But again, all of those times he’d been with her.

Now, he called her name, flicking a light switch upward. 

He hung up his wet jacket and ran a hand through his hair, shaking the water out of his hands. He noted her luggage in the corner, the only sign that she was back. He walked the first floor of the house, turning on lights and checking rooms for her. Probably sleeping, he mused. He stopped at the bottom of the staircase and looked up, a hand on the railing. He’d spent countless hours in her kitchen, at the counter, in the living room, on the couch. But he’d never been upstairs. Somehow he felt like he was trespassing, going places in her home that he had never been invited to. But the need to see her, safe, sleeping, was stronger and he made his way up. 

There weren’t many rooms up here. A bathroom on the left, followed by a guest bedroom. The door between them on the right turned out to be a linen closet, which left the door ahead of him on the same side. He slowly turned the knob and pushed the door open, looking to make out her form on the bed. 

But it wasn’t there. The bed looked perfectly made, as though it hadn’t been sat on let alone slept in, since she the day she left Chicago. Worry began to run through his veins and all throughout his body. He checked the bathroom off her bedroom but the same emptiness was in there too. He called her name a few more times as he made his way back downstairs, pulling his phone out along the way. 

_Where the hell are you?_ he texted. Jay leaned against the counter in the kitchen, debating his next move when he heard sounds at the door. 

He moved toward it fast but not before it opened and a very wet Hailey walked slowly inside. 

She pushed aside the wet hair that hung in her face, barely showing surprise. “Jay?” 

Small and soaked through. No jacket, just her regular uniform of jeans and a button down, though he spied a t-shirt of some sort underneath. “What have you been doing? Where have you been?” 

She answered with questions of her own. “What are you doing here? How’d you get in?” 

He cocked his head to the side a bit and flattened his lips. He pulled out the keyring from his pocket. “Spare, remember?” 

“Mm,” she nodded and attempted to move past him. He saw the shivering she was fighting and turned to the coat hooks on the wall to see if there was anything he could put around her. 

There wasn’t and by the time he turned back she’d moved to the kitchen. He caught up to her as she filled a glass with tap water. “Almost forgot what this place looked like.” 

“Hailey. You’re soaked. Towels?” 

She nodded to the bathroom off the living room, and he was gone and back in seconds. 

“I’m fine, y’know.” She looked up at him as he closed the towel around her and began to rub her shoulders. 

“Obviously,” he deadpanned. “What were you doing?” 

She shrugged lightly, putting her glass down. “Walking.” 

“In the pouring rain. In the cold. Without a coat. The very definition of ‘fine.” He continued to rub her shoulders and the warmth that it generated started to spread down her arms. She’d gone walking _wanting_ to feel the cold, it was easy to focus on being cold and wet and nothing else. But now with the seed of warmth planted she wanted more of that instead. Wanted more of Jay. 

She huffed out a small chuckle. “I’m gonna grab a hot shower.” She turned toward her stairs, pulling the towel around her and pushing more hair out of her face. “You’ll be here?” 

He didn’t know why he couldn’t answer immediately but after a beat he was finally able to. “Yeah, I’ll be here.” 

He watched her go, continued watching after her long after she’d gone upstairs. She was obviously going through something, something Voight knew so it had to have something to do with New York. Jay filled the kettle on the stove with water and lit the flame underneath it. 

He took out his phone and sat at the kitchen counter. Googling New York news brought up a thousand stories but none jumped out at him as something she might be involved with. He knew that searching her name would be fruitless, and he didn’t have any contacts in New York that he could ask. Frustrated, he rubbed at his face. But then. 

A name came to him, and he sent the email from his cpd account. 

_I just need to know, is she okay?_

He got lucky with the quick ping of the reply. OA’s response wasn’t any longer than Jay’s ask. 

_If you’re asking, my guess is no._

Jay sighed and rubbed his face once more, stopping when another ping sounded. OA had added something. 

_Gave statements in debrief only. Wouldn’t talk to me. Said she was fine. Bullshit all the way._ He added his personal cell in case Jay needed anything. 

The whistle of the tea kettle caught him by surprise. He moved toward it, realizing he had no idea if Hailey had or wanted anything he could make with hot water. He turned off the flame, moved the kettle to the back burner and turned to lean back against the stove. He couldn’t even think of whatever it was that Hailey had been involved in. If she gave a statement then she was personally involved in whatever it was. Debrief told him it was work related. They’d seen a million horrors in their jobs and he the FBI could be/would be more intense, but she hadn’t ever said anything to him and they’d talked, texted, and facetimed nearly every day. Until she’d gone dark, so it had to be something that happened then. OA knew but may not have had details, may not have wanted to put it in writing, but he’d given his contact information. Jay could read between the lines; If Hailey didn’t talk, call him. 

She found him that way when she came downstairs, leaning back against her stove, arms crossed at his chest and head down. She dimmed the lights a bit at the switch before moving to the counter. 

“Hey,” she smiled a bit at him. 

He smiled back and joked about the change in lighting. “Going for some kind of ambiance?” 

Her lightly chuckled “Mmm” was her only response. 

It was a weird lack of response, he noted, but held onto it for now. “I boiled water but then wasn’t sure if you wanted anything…” He motioned behind him at the stove. 

“I’m not sure I _have_ anything.” She moved to the cabinet closer to him and opened it, searching. She came out with a box of tea. “Not my favorite but don’t want to let your hot water making skills go to waste.” 

The jogger pants and t-shirt she wore looked comfortable but even in them she looked on edge. 

“That would be a shame,” he agreed with a smirk, before nodding toward her living room. “Go sit, I’ll bring it in.” 

Her eyes narrowed for a second as she looked at him, wondering what he was doing here, why he was feeling the need to stay. She was glad he was here though, that she could take comfort in just looking at him even though she thought that maybe she really should just be alone. She was teetering on the brink of needing to cry, to scream, to let her emotions out before they built again. It had been this way since everything had gone to hell right before her eyes. Emotions would build, she’d let them out, only for them to retreat, rebuild, tower and force their way out. The cycle hadn’t been broken since. She’d written out her report, had her pictures taken, given her statement after her interview. She’d been referred to the department counselor but had simply sat there, blank. Talking about it had been suggested but then she’d re-live it, something she never wanted to do again. She wanted to bury it, not think of it, do anything to not think about it. 

Her end with the FBI had been immediate after that. Quiet hugs that she’d received stiffly, handshakes with forced smiles were how she’d left. OA had taken her out for a goodbye drink, and she’d tried to be present with him but was continually drawn back to an area where she could be functionally numb. 

“I wasn’t there,” he’d told her finally. “but I know what happened.” 

Her eyes had flicked up to him, challenging his statement, thinking he had no idea what had happened. Reading words on a page didn’t begin to tell the story. 

“If it’s even halfway true, what I heard, what I read, Chicago…you gotta talk to someone. I get it if you don’t want it to be me, but Jubal and Isobel aren’t gonna let it slide that you just move on. Even when you get home, you know they're gonna follow up with your boss there. “ 

The smile felt genuine but had to force it out. He was sweet to care. But no, she couldn’t talk to him. There was only one person who might be able to give her some comfort—anyone else, it would be just be sharing the nightmare, and it seemed wrong. Her first line of defense would be to see if she could put it with the other bad things she’d seen, pushed down, didn’t think about. 

“ **Hailey**.” 

She blinked a few times, coming out of the memories to find Jay beside her on the couch, holding out the white mug to her. Evidently he’d already said her name a few times. 

She took the mug and apologized, holding the warmth in her hands and looking straight ahead. 

The dim light of the kitchen washed into the living room but Jay was reaching for the lamp on the end table. 

“Don’t--” she started but he’d already turned the knob before turning back to her, questioning her word. 

He saw immediately why she hadn’t wanted the light. “Jesus, Hailey….” His voice was soft and full of concern. The shower had washed away the makeup she’d used to cover the remaining colors of a fading black eye and the few healing scratch marks that crept up her neck and jawline. 

She didn’t say anything until after she put her mug on the table. “I don’t even like tea,” she grimaced a bit as she rested her head back against the couch cushion and closed her eyes. 

“You know we’re gonna talk about it.” Jay pushed quietly. 

“Mm.” She moved closer to him and leaned her head against his shoulder. “Not yet.” Right now she just wanted to feel him next to her, the way things were, nearly normal, in the quiet warmth beside him. She was surprised to find him here when she got home but all of a sudden she couldn’t imagine being alone. 

Jay took it as a win. He moved so that he could move an arm around her shoulders and pull her closer. He put his face down to the damp crown of her hair. He wanted to lay a kiss there but settled for drawing in the scent of her shampoo, and gave her body a slight squeeze that she leaned into. 

Before the day was over, whatever it was that was haunting her, preventing her from working back in the unit, would be out in the open. He hoped he’d be able to help her with it. Until then, he used the remote to put on her tv, found a hockey game and settled back to sit with his partner, ready to be there for her when she was ready. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter :-)

Hailey had dozed fitfully for the last 30 minutes. When she twitched Jay would hold her just a bit tighter, hoping that even in sleep she could feel that she was safe right now. She hadn’t moved for a while and he was watching a so-bad-it-was good sci-fi space movie from the 1950s, and when she bolted upright and wide awake, he barely had time to keep a hold on her.

“Hey!...hey…,” he turned a bit more to reassure her. “It’s okay…you’re okay…”

She turned to him, breathing hard, her hand at her chest as she tried to recover.

“Bad dream?” He stated the obvious.

She didn’t say anything for a minute, opting not to lie right out and say she was okay. “…kinda.” Her voice was soft and she didn’t quite look him in the eye. She moved her elbows to her knees and sat forward a bit, running her hands through her hair.

It felt like she opened the door a crack with the admission and that strengthened his hope.

He thumbed the volume down on the remote and leaned back against the couch, pulling her gently to him. Her head found his shoulder and he could feel her start to relax.

“I’m right here, Hailey,” he reminded her quietly, wanting her to know she was safe, as his hand around her stroked her hair lightly. They had never been this physically close before she left but his missing her and all of their phone and text conversations had brought them to a new place. They’d need to explore it in person but he felt comfortable holding her like this, like it had always been this way.

Quiet minutes passed and she let out a long deep breath.

“You gonna want a drink?” The conversation that he thought was looming would be a tough one for her. He’d be there but she might need something else.

“Yeah,” she breathed. “That’d be good. Not sure what I have..” she moved away a bit and he stood, heading to the kitchen.

“Bet I can find someth---see?” He clinked a glass against the bottle of tequila he found. He grabbed a second glass in case she didn’t want to drink alone and took his spot back on the couch. He poured and offered her the glass. Immediately she sipped at it and sat back with a sigh.

Jay turned off the television.

She sipped her drink for a bit, enjoying the burn as it slid down her throat. She felt it warming her from the inside, and found a place for it back on the table as she found one back at Jay’s side.

“Thank you,” she murmured as she leaned in to him. She wasn’t exactly sure what she was thanking him for: for not pushing, for being warm, allowing her to lean on him both literally and emotionally, for being here, for not giving up on her, for being such a great partner, maybe for all of it.

Jay heard it but wasn’t sure what to say. _You’re welcome_ was trite and it just seemed like nothing was a good enough response when you didn’t know what to say when your partner was truly hurting; the woman you worked with side by side for years, who had saved your ass numerous times---going above and beyond her job requirements and who had never been the one to tell him what she’d done for him let alone ask for anything in return, the one for whom his feelings had expanded.

He would have said last year, 6 months ago, 3 months ago that of course he loved Hailey, she was his partner. But now—he could either leave the partner part in or out and the feeling would be the same. Or maybe it was different because there was a personal layer to it now, there was more to it, something that made him _want_ to be there for her like this, to help her through a difficult time not because it was expected but because he genuinely wanted to; he wanted to help her feel better, be better, be the one she turned to. He wanted to touch her, do things with and to her, in ways that partners most definitely were not supposed to. She’d become so much more.

In the end his response was both to her and to the thoughts that had been running through his head. Without thinking he did what he wanted to earlier and leaned over to place a soft kiss on the top of her head, resting his chin on it afterward.

He knew she’d felt it and waited for her reaction. She didn’t stiffen and she didn’t pull away. But now he didn’t know what to expect.

Hailey felt the small smile grow and the warmth that radiated from the top of her head down through the rest of her body. She felt the flush on her cheeks and was sure it was obvious as she turned to look at Jay, forcing his chin from the top of her head.

“What was that for?” she asked quietly.

He met her eyes. “It wasn’t for anything.” He was quiet and honest. “It just….felt right.”

Her nod began imperceptibly before becoming more obvious. “It did,” she agreed, equally quiet and honest. She turned up to him and kissed his cheek, feeling the scruff and skin beneath her lips, not backing away afterward and staying close to his face.

Her response caught him a bit off guard. He hadn’t expected anything in return, but now he’d felt the warmth of her lips on his cheek and she was looking up at him with eyes so wide and clear, still so close to him that he could feel her warm breath and body heat.

His body moved on its own accord and he leaned toward her, placing his lips gently against hers.

Her eyes watched him the entire time, saw him thinking, saw him moving as he closed the few inches between them. She saw his eyes on her before he closed them briefly, and felt his lips on hers. When he opened his she was still looking at him, blinking just a few times, obviously processing what he’d done.

What she heard next made her move.

Jay had moved back a bit and looked away, muttering a whispered, “shit” as he wondered if he’d made the wrong move. She was in a bad place, they hadn’t yet talked about the shift that they both felt had happened during her absence, and this was only her second day back. Rushing wasn’t the smart play here, he chastised himself.

But whatever else he might have said was muted as he saw her move. Gentle but swift, she was up on her knees, sinking in to the couch, as she whispered his name.

Hailey’s hand went to the far side of his face and pulled it toward her, putting her lips on his again, tentatively but with purpose.

He was surprised but only for a second. It only took that long for him to respond, kissing her back just as softly as his hands found themselves tangled in her hair as he held the back of her head.

She took the opportunity to swing a leg over his lap, straddling him as they kissed soft and deep. Hailey again made the move that changed the tone as her hands were on Jay’s shoulders and her soft kisses quickly turned hard then harder. Her hands travelled down his chest and went directly to his belt, deftly undoing it and the button of his jeans. Her hands were dipping under his waist band when Jay’s logic swung back in control.

He hated to do it but he pulled back, saying her name as he did. 

She either didn’t hear him or purposely ignored him as she continued peppering kisses down his neck, the hands not allowed where she wanted went back to roaming.

“Hailey,” Jay cleared his throat. “Whoa-whoa-whoa, hang on.” His hands found her shoulders and gently pushed her back a bit. “Not like this Hailey.” He knew what she was doing, what she was after, and sure, he wanted to give it to her, but not like this, not as a diversion. Not as an alternative to talking.

She pitched forward and her forehead touched his chest as his hands found the sides of her shoulders. “Please,” she whispered. “Jay…please.”

He took in a shaky breath, his self-control already near its limit. “Hey.” He rubbed her arms. “Look at me…”

Her breaths were ragged but calming down. When she moved her head it still wasn’t to look directly at him.

“This… Not gonna lie, I want this-- but Hailey…” He sighed. “Don’t use it to hide. When this happens, I want it to be for the right reasons. Not because you’re trying to outrun something.”

She bit her bottom lip and finally looked up at him from under her lashes, and gave a slight nod. She got it. She should’ve known he’d be a good guy and not let her use him, use them, like this. She was embarrassed and at a dead end. She’d used her last play for the night and at least in this moment couldn’t see another out.

Hailey sighed and ran a hand through her hair, murmuring a “sorry” as she moved off him and settled back on the couch. She reached for her glass again and took a sip, holding the glass to her chest.

She looked away from him and took in a breath. Jay wasn’t going to let her block him out though and reached around her, pulling her back against him. “I’m not going anywhere,” he whispered in to her hair. “If you want to talk, if you want to just sit here, I’m your guy.”

He wasn’t expecting a response but felt her lean in to him a bit more. True to his word, they simply sat together. The silence was heavy but still easy. No expectations, just solid support.

When she began speaking it was done so quietly Jay could barely hear her. He worried he may have lost the first few words but bent his head down to catch all the rest.

“We were going in on a small undercover. Me,” she grimaced a bit. “Agent Hall, and a new kid. Fresh out of the academy. Star cadet and pulled right after graduation to the task force.”

She stopped and Jay filled in the silence after a moment. “Sounds like a solid team.” Though he preferred his own team to made up of experience and lessons learned, there was something to be said for the mix of experience and fresh eyes and ears.

Hailey scoffed a bit then caught herself, schooling her features. “Evan was eager. And green. He shouldn’t have been part of the op.”

Another breath in then slowly out. “We’d connected, been in a few days looking for a small crew who had ties to some interstate kidnappings and sex trafficking…” she trailed off, shaking her head, not wanting to get in to the minutiae of the case.

“We were in and biding time. These guys, they were high on x so were just listening, letting them talk and ride their high. Our wires were working and there was video feed…. I’m not sure why, but Evan, he was trying to get my attention. I don’t know if he saw something, heard something, maybe just got a bad feeling…” she shrugged. “but one of the guys saw it, didn’t like it. Like I said they were running high and super twitchy. Mayer, he was the second—got in my face, wanted to know what was so special about me.”

Jay just watched her, didn’t want to jeopardize anything by interrupting. Hailey’s voice had remained quiet but flat. Emotionally distancing herself from the words. He shifted a bit, needing to watch her face as she spoke to make sure she wasn’t completely distancing herself.

“He wanted to taunt Evan, so he took a few shots.” She swung a look to him briefly, pointing to the colors fading around her eye. “Shit happened, and Hall tried to take things down a notch…like I said, these guys were twitchy. It just devolved really fast. Hall took maybe a step, and out of nowhere….” Jay caught the near break in her voice, noting that some emotion was still there. It was a good sign. “I remember he started to say something and then…. and they just shot him. Unloaded the whole clip.”

“Jesus,” Jay whispered.

“A few of the other guys started yelling, freaking out…and then Evan started yelling something about…I don’t remember,” she shook her head lightly, her face twisting as she could see what happened next so completely clearly. “He was yelling and there was gunfire, and his face just…his head….” Hailey felt the drink she’d had churning in her stomach, her body rejecting both it and the memories she was reliving.

“I stood right there and watched both members of my team….and I didn’t do anything. I remember standing there, smelling propellant and blood and….I froze.” She looked to him finally, her eyes shiny with unspilled tears. “Jay, I didn’t do anything,” she confessed in a whisper.

There was so much to take in. The story itself, the ‘shit happened’ gloss-over, the loss of her team right in front of her, the way they died, and the guilt she felt. He flashed on what he knew would have happened if she hadn’t frozen and immediately blocked it out. All he could do was whisper her name and reach for her.

She was up though and running for the bathroom, able to slam the door behind her before the heaving started. He closed his eyes, knowing the physical reactions your body could have to memories. He gave her a few minutes and a flush of the toilet before knocking on the door. “Hey. Can I come in?” Asking if she was good wouldn’t have been smart. He knew she wasn’t but that even now she’d still probably say that she was, that she had this handled.

It took a few seconds but he heard the quiet permission and opened the door. She stood at the sink, water running from the faucet, as she leaned against it with her head down. Jay leaned his back against the wall and handed a small towel over to her.

She glanced at him and took another handful of water, sipped at it and spit. She took the towel and wiped at her face. “Thanks,” she murmured, backing away and sliding down the wall, knees to her chest. He slid down the same wall and sat beside her, shoulder to shoulder, waiting her out.

“I’m sorry…” She broke the quiet. “for before.”

He smirked a bit. “Yeah? I’m not. I mean, yeah, the timing was off but…we’re on the same page.” He cocked a knowing eyebrow at her.

She tried for a chuckle. “Are we.” Then a breath before looking over at him. “Silver lining, huh.” She leaned her head against him again and felt his arm slide around her shoulders. She stopped talking, and Jay lived with her in the silence, just being there.

“I keep pushing it away. Not just that I froze, but what I see…it’s always in slow motion…and…” she stopped.

Jay inhaled and gave another kiss to the top of her head before nodding in to her hair. “I get it. Hailey, I do, I get it. But you gotta let it out, you gotta deal with it.”

“I don’t want to.” She was quietly matter of fact. “I just want to forget it. I want to go back to work and replace those images, work a new case, just keep moving.”

He knew that she knew--was just talking, but reminded her just the same. “Hm, wouldn’t that be nice. But you know that’s not gonna work. You can’t swap out like that.”

“Mm” she hummed quietly. Yeah, she did. But knowing it wouldn’t work didn’t stop her from wanting it.

“What’s Voight say?” He remembered his direction to her from yesterday. _You know what you need to do. Get it done._

She inhaled through her nose and the words came out fast. “Talk it out.” A small wry smile flashed. “But that kind of goes against the whole wanting to forget thing.”

They both knew she’d do it; She knew she just needed to talk to Jay first. Feel his steady support, feel the loneliness fade just a bit as she lived with the memory alone for the last time.

“I got you.” He pulled her close again.

And he did. All throughout her meetings with the department psychiatrist, her re-entry to the unit, had her back when they were immediately partnered up again, and after her initial frustration-causing meetings with Voight about what she’d done with Gael, and what he expected going forward.

They resumed their easy partnership and began adding to it with small, casual dinners, and met for drinks at places other than Molly’s. Kisses had come and gone with longing for more on both sides but they were taking it slow. Seeing how working together factored in to where they were heading.

Until they reached their destination. A day of paperwork behind them they had each gone home with talk of getting together later. 

Hailey had been home for over an hour, and had spent most of that time staring blankly on her couch. She couldn’t pinpoint why she couldn’t find the motivation to do anything. She’d had plans of zoning out to the tv, reading a book or even taking a nap when she got home, but she’d done none of them and instead simply sat, her mind running but not finding any traction, until she finally was able to snap herself out of it.

She grabbed her coat and her keys and headed out to her car.

When Jay answered his door she just blinked a few times up at him. His post work out shower clearly evident judging by the size of his pecs and biceps, the fresh smell of soap in the air, and the dampness of his hair.

“Hey.” He was happily surprised to see her, leaning in to kiss her cheek as she walked in.

“What’s up?”

She was biting a bit at her lower lip, her tell for feeling insecure. “I don’t want this.”

Jay was instantly on alert. “Want what?”

“This. Going home after work wondering what may happen later, thinking about you for nearly an hour—“

He couldn’t help his smirk. “An hour, huh?”

“I’m serious, Jay.” And he could tell by her tone and stance that she absolutely was. He took his cue from her, grabbed her hand and led her to the couch.

“Okay,” he told her as they sat “So what do you want?”

She leaned forward and kissed him, long and deep and soft. His hands cupped the sides of her face as he gave in to the kisses she offered.

When she pulled back it wasn’t far, and she touched her forehead to his. “I want this. All in. No more waiting.”

She watched as his smile grew wide, and he took on a self-satisfied look that she wilted a bit under. “Ahh, shit…you’re gonna be a nightmare to deal with now, aren’t you?”

Jay pulled himself together though a hint of the smirk remained. “We’re gonna be good, Hailey. We’re gonna be so good.”

He leaned in and kissed her deep and hard knowing that they were both in for the night, and in this for good.


End file.
